Food Review: Day 1

Doritos: Spicy Nacho

I fuckin love Doritos, but I haven't really enjoyed them in Australia for a little while because there is only one good flavour (Nacho Cheese). America has rekindled my love for Doritos via the Spicy Nacho. The Dorito base tastes pretty much the same as the Australian version, but the flavour is great. Just hot enough to be tasty, without being so hot that it is uncomfortable to eat without a drink (I am pretty wussy when it comes to spicyness). Lyndal said they were okay but she would not buy them again. Lyndal is weird though. Recommended.

Rating: 4 stars
Contains MSG? Yes (also HFCS)

Ruffles: Sour Cream and Onion

Message to American chip makers: if you change the flavour to "Sour Cream and Chives" it sounds fancier and you can charge more. Shara was real excited about Ruffles because apparently you used to be able to get them in Australia but now you cannot. I was ambivalent about them because they seemed no different from Smiths/Bluebird chips in Australia/New Zealand. I was right. They were a pleasing size and had a good crunch I guess, but they just taste like regular potato chips. A solid chip, but nothing worth coming to America for. However I did like that they are "ruffled" (sounds cute), and also the packet opened really pleasingly, like it was really easy to open and gave way perfectly in the middle with no rips. Doesn't that packet look like it's out of the chip ad? For that I gave it an extra star.

Rating: 3 stars
Contains MSG? Yes

Cheetos: Flaming Hot

I haven't eaten these yet but Kat told me about them and I am real excited. When I eat Hot Cheetos I get crazy!!!! Review forthcoming whenever I finish these other chips and get hungry.

Fatburger: Hot Wings

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Ten wings for $5, which was way too much food to eat. These were pretty tasty, but were a little bit hot for me to handle. I got through seven of them but had to stop because my mouth was too hot but all the drinks we had were gross. Shara tried one but didn't really like it. The wings were covered in hot sauce and they also gave me a gigantic sachet of ranch dressing to go with it. I threw that out. I want to give these 3.5 stars but I don't want to get too granulated with my ratings so this gets a four.

Rating: 4 stars
Contains MSG? Probably

Fatburger: Fat Burger

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Shara had this. She said it was okay. She didn't really like the bun, it was just too stale. She is real tired so she can't be more specific than that.

Rating: 2 stars
Contains MSG? Unknown

Fatburger: Turkey Burger

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Lyndal got this.
What up Lyndal here, I ordered the turkey burger (sandwich?) with cheese and 'everything' which turned out to mean with weird gherkin/pickle stuff that I just scraped off.
The bun was an unsettling dark brown colour, possibly just coloured with molasses because it didn't taste any different to a normal white bun. The meat patty also didn't taste much different to a beef patty, but certainly not like a chicken burger.

Rating: 2 stars
Contains MSG? Unknown

Fatburger: Chips

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They have regular french fries at Fatburger and also chunky Anglo-style chips. The chunky ones are huge and are far superior. Really good. The thin ones were soggy and dull.

Rating: 4 stars for chunky, 2 stars for thin
Contains MSG? Probably

Soda Review: day 1

Mountain Dew: Voltage

This is apparently one of several varieties of Mountain Dew has released, that dew drinkers can vote on and only one will remain in the end. This one is "charged with raspberry citrus flavor and ginseng". It has low sodium which is encouraging! I hate it when my soda is full of salt.

I have no idea why this is all blue if it supposed to be raspberry flavour? I guess green + red = blue? Does that work? I dunno but anyway this tastes as artificial as it looks. Hard to pin down the smell and flavour but it definitely contains raspberry. Sort of if you combined that weird raspberry soft drink you can get at Burger King sometimes combined with that weird bubblegum flavour soft drink companies seem to like. Lyndal thinks it tastes like Zooper Doopers. It's okay, it doesn't have that weird aftertaste that most other American soda seems to have. I haven't tried US Mountain Dew but this isn't as good as the Australian version. Probably contains one million percent more caffiene though!

Rating: 3 stars
Contains HFCS? Yes

Coca Cola

The bottles in America are really weird! They are a lot shorter and fatter, they look pretty cute. The caps are also really short for some reason. I wonder if they have a greater propensity to fall off than the Australian caps?

Anyway to get to the nutmeat, Coke in America tastes absolutely awful. It tastes like Australian Vanilla Coke, which I hate. It has some sort of really weird flavour that goes along with the Coke. Maybe nutty? Lyndal reckons it tastes like it is full of almonds which sounds about right. Anyway I do not want to drink nutty soda!! Is it the high fructose corn syrup that does this? Lyndal drank the whole thing and reckons that it got better as she went along but I was not tempted to go back to the bottle. Terrible. Thumbs down America!

Rating: 1 star
Contains HFCS? Yes

Vitamin Water: Fruit Punch

Shara bought this because it was the only beverage in the supermarket that had cane sugar rather than HFCS. Anyway it was terrible. Even Kristen who is a big Vitamin Water fan mentioned that this is the worst flavour. It smells and tastes like really bad cherry-flavoured cough syrup. I hate cherry to begin with (I don't understand the American/Australian fascination with the horrible fake cherry flavour that is in everything) but Shara and Lyndal who are exceedingly pro-cherry panned this too. It tastes like a cross between Powerade and something that I can't quite put my finger on. Also the label says it contains less than one percent of fruit juice. Why would you advertise this? Anyway this is bad. Avoid.

Rating: 1 star
Contains HFCS? No

Fatburger Chocolate Shake

Lyndal got this from Fatburger when we went for dinner because the soda was all so weird. Anyway this was great! It was huge and only like three dollars and totally chocolatey and thick. Americans know how to do milkshakes! I might just eat shakes in America. Delicious.

Rating: 5 stars
Contains HFCS? Probably

Sprite

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We got this from the fountain at Fatburger. We had already come to the conclusion that American Coke is totally weird and not to be trusted so I thought Sprite would be a solid alternative. I was mostly wrong. You know how Australian Sprite tastes when you make ice with really weird tasting tap water and then have a glass full of Sprite and ice and all the ice melts and so it tastes like Sprite but with a really weird aftertaste? American Sprite tastes like that ALL THE TIME. So weird. Not sure if this is because they put too much water in the fountain at Fatburger or what. Anyway not as bad as Coke, but I would still choose water over this.

Rating: 2 stars
Contains HFCS? Yes

Nestea (Unsweetened)

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After we had the Sprite we refilled with this. We were hoping that since it isn't soda at all it would be less weird. This was just weird in a totally different way. Nestea is just unsweetened cold Earl Grey tea. That's it. I was assuming it would be like peach or lemon flavoured or something, but nope. Just cold black tea. Kristen said you could put some sugar in it yourself but then it would be cold black tea with sugar granules at the bottom of it. Delicious! Oh wait I mean disgusting. WHY IS THIS A FOUNTAIN OPTION??? IS THIS WHY YOU AMERICANS HATE TEA SO MUCH? The only upside is that since it is cold tea it was reasonably refreshing, if totally gross.

Rating: 1 star
Contains HFCS? No

Day 1: AWAKE

Hey dudes what up?

We are all awake at 10:00 pm because we unadvisedly went to sleep at 7:00 pm. It was dark! I'm still real tired tho. Anyway this is what has happened oh WAIT an ad for Burn Notice is on! OK Now I blog but don’t forget that nothing turns a woman on like something that goes boom! Oh man I think I just broke the ridiculous coffee machine! I once read an article in Bitch and it said that tea was not worth discussing because it was only drunk by the British or something. So fittingly there is no kettle in the hotel room ONLY A COFFEE MAKER!! What the hell is that? I am trying to get it to make me some hot water that doesn’t have coffee residue in it and that doesn’t smell or taste like coffee. So far this is impossible so the most important question is SHOULD I BUY A CHEAP KETTLE AND TAKE IT WITH ME? Drinking tea is imperative especially in cold weather!! You can get two tacos a burger and chips for $3!! my god!!

There are many many unsecured networks and all of them are terrible! Anyway so we went to the airport with Lyndal’s mum. Webber insisted we go the way we normally go to avoid tolls but Lyndal’s mum is a toll lover and this saddened her, also it took longer. Can you really master beauty in motion? We got to airport a bit late and stood in line. Lyndal decided to put this hilarious wire contraption on her bag. This took possibly 15 mins and it was greatly amusing I have much photographic evidence but I dunno if I can get if off my iboner yet.



So when we checked in was when we have the first of our many problems. I had brought a copy of my visa waiver application but Lyndal had not and Webber had brought my application number printed out because he thought it was his. The lady checking us in informed them that we wouldn’t be able to get into America without these ridiculous application numbers. Lyndal rang her dad to get her number but Webber didn’t notice that he had my number until we had checked in so we spent the whole trip (22 hours) worrying that we wouldn’t get into America at all. Guess what happened when we arrived? They just made us fill in the old school paper forms. They didn’t even ask us if we had applied online and they certainly didn’t expect us to remember the numbers because they are unable to look them up in their computer system! Way to go Pacific Air lady! Anyway then we changed money and everyone got real surly (not me tho!). We ate $8.50 rolls and Lyndal’s contained black plastic hell yeh! We got the GST back for this computer and it was annoying too. We got on the plane and it was all pretty cute wait I didn’t mean to say that. Webber had never been on a full service international flight so he wasn’t aware of the disgusting plane food that was awaiting him! Wow there is some intense show about getting married to a nude model on, the mums are crying and telling their sons which nudie model to marry. So we ate quick a bit of creepy food oh man wait this lady on tv chose this weight loss drugs because it is FDA approved um how can you take it if it isn’t? We took some great photo that show our youth and enthusiasm for travelling and being foxy.




We just purchased ten minute sexy hotel legs. It was free but it will get us a strong six pack. Lyndal is watching this whilst drinking American coke (disgusting) and eating spicy nachos Doritos. Anyway this was all cool. Then we got to Fiji, where it was insanely hot and we had to wait four hours to get the plane to LA. This was insane! By the time we got on the plane we were so tired and so hot! Then we were totally unable to get to sleep for the next 10 hours! Yay!



We landed in LA and we major form problems because Pacific Air employees are crazy and do not understand how immigration or air travel work. So we eventually went through the surliest customs and immigration experience ever. Everything was pretty quick but bizarrely then getting out of the airport is extremely difficult! We stood outside and realised it was going to be impossible to find Kristen so Webber went to call her. Immediately after he left we found Kristen in the crowd. Then we had to find Webber. An earthy elderly Obama supporter tried to crack onto me, which is always nice when you look terrible as you have been awake for a day. Then Webber came back and he almost bought Cinnabon but luckily he didn’t have to. We all went to Kristen’s car and on the way we saw A POLICE OFFICER ON A SEGWAY! AMAZING! I wanted to take a photo of him but I thought I might get tasered! They play loops of pointless information all over the airport so in that way it is like Japan, except we can understand the recordings and there are not fun.


Then we went to the hotel and that was cool endlessmike called us and said she is going to hang out with us tomorrow hel yeh you jealous suckas? The most exciting thing happened then as went to the supermarket WHICH IS THE BEST PLACE. The wonders of the supermarket were huge. We brought lots of weird food they had red bananas! Everything may have salmonella on it (EXCITING) umm you can buy a lot of pre-packaged vegetables!!




Oh apparently whilst we were sleeping I randomly said hey we’re in America and everyone is laughing at me but this is a true statement said whilst sleeping! Apparently I said something about peppermills but Lyndal is kinda 420ed. Man I am concerned about this talking in my sleep! What if I tell everyone the combination to my sexy safe?

OK so we bought many drinks and they WERE ALL GROSS! Webber will update about them shortly. We ate a fat burger and it was scary so I think I am going to give up on food and only drink liquid food like milkshakes. We bought a cell phone so you can call us if you like it is +1 (323) 314-4965. Don’t text us unless you need to tell us something AMAZING because it costs us 25 cents to receive texts also calls I think WHAT KIND OF SYSTEM IS THIS? Um I can’t remember anything else marvel at our photos.