Day 7: Ro

We ended up all waking up at about 2:45am which was good because neither of the alarms we set went off. After packing we left the casino which was as full at 4am as it had been at 5pm the previous day. Ridiculous. Some old scary dude at the casino cracked onto Lyndal by saying she “made a hiker sweat”, and I am pretty sure she loved that.

While we were on the shuttle to the airport one of the other drivers rang through on the radio and reported that “some dirty hooker stole my pizza! We are living in desperate times… what is the world coming to”. So that was pretty great. We had to wait around the airport for like two hours because the shuttle company is so ridiculous but the airport had free wifi so that was somewhat okay. I almost got some Cinnabon to try but the line was too huge. One of these days Cinnabon!!!! Lyndal complained that even thinking about food was making her feel sick, and then immediately said “I’m going to see what Sausage Kingdom have to eat”. She is real weird. Also I am amused that there exists a place called Sausage Kingdom. I played a Star Wars slot machine at the airport but won nothing. Curse you Chewie!

Our flight to New York took fuckin ages to board because people are dumb and like to stand around in the aisles picking their noses. Also there were heaps of frat boys sitting around us who kept farting and telling each other about the time they totally pissed their pants on a plane bro and playing Nickelback or some other shit really loud through their headphones. There were also some Australian bogans who complained loudly and repeatedly because they were forced to check in their massive bags instead of carry them on the plane. So that was nice. We got into New York about half an hour ahead of schedule but it took a million hours to deplane (their terminology) and get our bags so it kind of put us behind again.

When we got to New York we found that one of the trains we were meant to be taking to the hotel just wasn’t running at all and a bus had replaced it. So we got on a mega crowded bus with massive packs as well as hand luggage and had the worst bus trip ever. The driver was awful and stopped suddenly a whole bunch of times, and forced other cars to reverse in order to avoid being hit by him. In the end to get from the airport (in Queens) to our hotel (also in Queens) we had to take three trains and a bus. It took three hours. Public transport in New York is the worst. After we managed to check in (which was reasonably difficult as no one in America seems to understand what my name is; I have to spell it) Shara and Lyndal fell asleep and have not woken up since. We were meant to be going to ASSSCAT tonight but I think it’s probably in our strategic interests to be megaboring tonight in order to not die of tiredness tomorrow. We get to see Ro soon though, I am excited!!!

Food Review: Day 6

Red Hot Cheetos

I am reusing this picture but I actually never got to eat these (and Lyndal is real cute, amirite fellas?) and I ended up buying a different bag of various red hot snacks (pretzels etc). I only ate a cheeto though. This was way way too hot for me. Australian supermarkets don’t have a lot of really spicy snacks (unless you go to an Asian supermarket or something), so I am not used to it and can’t handle much. This made my mouth hurt, so I gave the packet to Ryan, who gladly ate the rest.

Rating: 1 star
Contains MSG? Probably

Carl’s Jr Chicken Strips

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These were pretty mediocre. They were undercooked and soggy, and the meat wasn’t great. I did not finish them.

Rating: 2 stars
Contains MSG? Probably

Carl’s Jr Fish Sandwich

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Tasted like a fish burger you’d get from a fish & chip shop, 2 small battered pieces of fish with lettuce and tomato. Pretty tasty, would eat again.

Rating: 4 stars
Contains MSG? Probably not

Soda Review: Day 6

Fanta (Orange)

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I tasted this briefly in Carl’s Jr. It tasted pretty similar but marginally inferior to Australian Fanta. Don’t know if it holds up if you get a whole bottle though.

Rating: 3 stars
Contains HFCS? Yes

Dr Pepper

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Just tastes like Diet Dr Pepper.

Rating: 1 star
Contains HFCS? Yes

Fanta (Raspberry)

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I only had one mouthful of this but it was unbearable. I seem to have blocked the experience from my mind but I can vaguely remember it tasting like bleach.

Rating: 1 star
Contains HFCS? Yes

Carl’s Jr Oreo Shake

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This shake has like 39 grams of fat in it, and 25 grams of saturated fat. It just tasted like a vanilla milkshake with Oreos in it. Not bad, but not fantastic. Certainly not worth 25 grams of saturated fat. By the way Carl’s Jr milkshakes are “handscooped”, which I can only assume means that the employees scoop the icecream into your container with their bare hands. WHY WOULD YOU ADVERTISE THIS, CARL’S JR? ALSO WHAT IS WITH YOUR NAME? THE APOSTROPHE ESS IS IN THE WRONG SPOT.

Rating: 3 stars
Contains HFCS: Probably

Day 6: Gay news

We woke up v. tired and Ryan drove us to San Francisco Airport. The airport was pretty great and Shara and Lyndal got cracked onto by a jovial elderly TSA employee. Our flight to Las Vegas got delayed like five times and then ended up departing at the scheduled time anyway. The flight was amazing! It was on Virgin America which I think is pretty new so they had this plane with great entertainment facilities. You could play Doom on the headrest! So I did that while Shara slept and Lyndal probably listened to Jack Johnson or something. The woman in front of us was thinking about paying $7 to watch Beverly Hills Chihuahua on the plane. The in-flight review gave it four stars! Amazing. Anyway the flight only went for an hour or so which was pretty enjoyable.

By the time we got out of the airport and had caught a shuttle to our hotel it was like 5:30. The shuttle company was ridiculous and said that for a 6:55am flight we would have to be picked up at 4:00am, which would mean that we would have to wake up at about 3. This combined with the fact that we got little sleep in San Jose meant it was unfeasible to go to a show in Las Vegas, which was a shame. The hotel room was pretty great though. We stayed in the Stratosphere which has a McDonald’s INSIDE THE HOTEL! LOL America. Our room gave us a pretty great view of the big ol’ tower outside the hotel and various billboards advertising strippers and such. The toilet was also pretty great, it flushed real powerful like we were on a plane or our waste was being jettisoned into space. There was no way my poo was getting away. On the way to get dinner Lyndal played the slots and won $2.50 from an investment of $1. Sucked in casino! Lyndal tried to get me lost in Las Vegas but luckily I figured out where we were going. We saw some dudes in wedding gear taking glamour photos outside the casino, which was pretty classy.

After dinner Shara slept, Lyndal wrote about boys in her diary and I took a mega relaxing bath and finished the first of my seven books. We went to bed at like 9 o’clock. Pretty boring night in Las Vegas, sorry dudes!